Some people manifest their house by actively searching for one. As in: looking on housing sites, visiting places to see if they like it, asking friends for recommendations and then going after that.
I have to admit: sometimes I wish it would work that way for me – but it truly doesn’t.
Specifically in my current situation, I felt/saw all the direction indicators pointing the same way: inwards. Into my body, into my whole being. Truly, nothing pointed anywhere out there.
Today, it became clear to me what my preparation and path for the housing transition actually has been, during these last months.
My daily dedication, next to integrating and resting, fully went to clearing out all my stuff – both in the physical and digital world. I literally went through ALL my physical belongings, and felt if they still resonated and matched with me in the here and now.
And if not, it was time for closure.
I couldn’t throw all of it away immediately. Some things asked for a lot of tears before they could go, or a fiery roar of anger. Some things needed to be burned, some ripped apart, some just wanted to be cuddled and celebrated.
What a beautiful, humbling journey.
Also in the digital world, I have cleared out on a deep, deep level. I did things that always felt too scary or harsh to do: deleting almost all of my WhatsApp chats, removing myself from groups, closing old email accounts.
Yet, every time I did it with my full attention and devotion, thanking these persons / episodes / adventures for their role in my life, it felt so, so good. Healthy, nourishing, energizing.
I have been confronted with the result of saying ‘yes’ to way more things than actually felt like a true yes. There were a lot of lingering energies that needed a clear ending. And I realized that from now on I want to be just as clear in the beginning: a non-100% yes is simply a no.
This whole journey of clearing out so deeply and devotionally was already beautiful. Yet, up until today, I didn’t fully realize how it was connected to the manifestation of my house.
And suddenly it hit me.
I’ve called all pieces of me, that found their safety and anchor in another place than myself, home.
With every digital or physical piece that found closure, I reclaimed a part of me that felt scared to say no. That felt like her safety would be threatened if she would disappoint people. That kept a connection for the sake of having a place to sleep when needed, or support when things got dangerous.
I realized that a lot of primal fears have played out beneath the surface, which led to survival behavior.
The fear of ending up alone.
The fear of being abandoned.
The fear of being threatened.
And as I dared to look at these fears, step by step and piece by piece, the need for outer anchors and homes decreased. Because I could feel a deeper and deeper safety anchoring within.
For a moment, I felt guilt and shame taking over, by realizing that I put my anchor outside of myself so many times.
But actually, I want to end this writing by expressing my gratitude to all the people and places that represented these anchors of Home for me.
Tears well up when writing this.
Because really, you have no idea how much this has meant for me.
Coming from a home base that was deeply traumatizing, I feel so, so grateful for all the people and places that showed me another way of living. And that have in some way contributed to my process of healing this and finding safety in this earthly life.
No matter the circumstances between us, past or present, know that I thank you deeply.
The episode of wandering and nomadic living feels completed, and the traveler in me will flourish from a set place to live.
My own place.
With all of me, integrated and replenished, present.
So show me, Universe.